Imagined Film Blurb

Woman, children in bath. Fancy dress, costumes characters in background.

Mabby Congress, a single mother of three. Whilst on holiday in California, Mabby shoots a sailor named Frank. His mother, Betsy vows to avenge her son’s murder. She tracks down Mabby to a pilchard farm just outside LA. However, Betsy is instantly enchanted by Mabby’s beautiful silky skin and is unable to kill her. The two soon fall in love.

Mabby convinces Betsy to undergo hyper duralink stretch surgery. However, the treatment goes horribly wrong. Betsy soon discovers she has an insatiable appetite for child flesh boiled in pornographic jazz butter. Fearing the worse, Mabby and the children head to a secret synagogue in Afghanistan.

At the airport Mabby bumps into Timmy Tasscar, his hirsute wife Tam Tam and the ghost of legendary film star, Chicken Edward. All three find themselves bewitched by Mabby’s beautiful silky skin. Without hesitation they agree to make Mabby an offer. …An offer which will change the course of world history – forever!

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The Vagina Maze

A Stream Of Teenage Nonsense

by Ursula Burgfist

Book cover. Title: The vagina maze. Heat haze, horned devil in silhouette. Symbolic  hand gesture.

There’s a gentle new girl in Maiden Valley and she has everybody talking. Stunningly tall and devastatingly strange, all the girls want her. However, Shannon Novak has a secret – She’s a Velcro witch corpse.

Emily Woods is an obnoxious, dirty girl who enjoys eating midnight lipstick. She becomes fascinated by Shannon who can stop Aids with her bare hands. She doesn’t understand why she’s so unsociable.

Her best friend, a happy gay electro fool called Dr. Teeth, helps Emily begin to piece together the mystery. Together, they discover the obscure secret of the Vagina Maze.

When odd shaped seaweed starts turning up all over Maiden Valley, Emily begins to fear the worst. The gay electro fool urges her to report Shannon to the Village Corpse Society and she knows she should, so what’s stopping her?

She may resist Shannon’s sanctuary muffin, but can she resist her bizarre fluid hole?

Will she be caught kissing with the Velcro witch corpse?

“Bursting with originality. A dirty girl falling for a tall Velcro witch corpse has simply never been done before.”

  • The Daily Sketch

“As subtle as a skeleton wanking in a biscuit tin, but the Vagina Maze does deliver an important message about the need for more Village Corpse Societies.”

  • Fruity Metcalf

“This must be based on a true story, you couldn’t make this stuff up!”

  • Fetus Candy Webzine

“This author really boils my piss!! An auto plot-generator could do a better job!!! “

  • Merlin Waterstone
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